Truth Be Told

Luna,

I have a few feelings I want to share with you.  For you mainly, but I guess for whoever else reads this blog too.  I've debated this post for a while now, but all signs from God keep pointing me to my computer.  Especially when I saw Dr. Przybysz this morning at the St. Elias 5K.  I know in the years to come, I'll be thankful I did this.  I want you to know just how special you are to us.

I know I more-times-than-not call you my little pain in the ass, but truth be told......you are our Blessing. Here's why:

Back in December of 2012, I had a feeling I was pregnant with you.  Not sure what it was, but something inside me told me so.  I waited to take a test.  Mainly because I was 100% done having babies.  I truly felt our family was complete.  Just me, Dada and Phoenix.  I wasn't mentally or emotionally ready for what the results might have read.

We found out Dixie was sick the beginning of January 2013.  This led me to wait longer to test.  Dada decided on January 4, 2013 to put his #1 girl at the time to rest.  It was by far one of the hardest decisions of his life.  We had an appointment with the vet that afternoon.  Something all day was whispering to me to take a test.  So I finally caved.  I went to the store, bought a test and came home.  Upon discovering the results, I wrestled with how and when to tell Dada.  I told him later that evening after we buried Dixie in the backyard.

God was showing us He's taking care of us.  I truly felt it was his way of helping us, especially Dada, move on and see that such a beautiful life for us is existing.

I called and scheduled an appointment with my doctor.  According to calculations (mine and the ultra sound techs), you would've been roughly 8 weeks along.  Dada, Phoenix and I went to the the appointment filled with joy to see you for the very first time.

But the appointment quickly took a u turn.  As the ultra sound progressed, the worry in the tech's face did too.  My pregnancy test at the doctor was positive, she was seeing a sac, but that was all.  You were no where to be found.  Our hearts sank as the thought of you leaving us too soon started to become a reality.  I wasn't sure how I was going to handle another miscarriage.

We were totally silent as we went from the ultra sound room to the room to wait for my doctor.  Tears were shed.  Lots of tears.  I didn't understand God's timing anymore.  I didn't understand my bodies inability to care for you.  I didn't understand anything.  I was overcome with guilt.

Dr. Przybyst finally came in.  It seemed like hours.  She had a very unsettling look on her face.  She began talking.  I began crying even harder.  Trying to be as positive, supportive, comforting, and optimistic as possible she began to explain the situation.  An ectopic pregnancy.  Basically, my life was in danger.  Yours was too.  It was worse than we thought.  She told me how careful I HAD to be in the upcoming days.  Any uncomfortable feelings or signs of blood would land me in the hospital ASAP.  Never had I been so heartbroken and worried at the same time.  My actions could ultimately end both our lives.  WOW.

We left the appointment.  She wanted to see us again in a week.  The ride home was miserable.  Dada tried comforting me as best he could, but nothing was going to help this situation.  Nothing.

I can honestly say that I've never prayed soo hard and soo long in my life as I did during that week.  Nor has a week ever felt like an eternity, as did this one.  Tears were sporadically shed throughout the days and sleep was now just a memory.  I was afraid if I turned wrong while sleeping, our lives would end.  I was literally scared to death.  EVERY. SINGLE. MOVE. I. MADE.

Your father and I also discussed the situation.  We decided regardless of the outcome, we were both totally done.  Before you, your dad wasn't as convinced as I was that our family was complete.  However, with the situation being as dangerous as it was, he decided it wasn't worth risking my life again.  Whatever the outcome was-it was made for our family.  We'd figure out how to deal with it and continue loving life with Phoenix.

Finally, appointment time came.  I had mixed feelings on how things were going to turn out.  I still had that tiny ounce of hope everything would be okay.  That last weeks appointment was nothing more than the ultimate nightmare.  But reality was quickly taking over.  I was overcome with emotions.

Obviously, God had His hand covering us this entire journey because miraculously, everything looked great on the ultra sound.  You were the tiniest, cutest, little dot I'd ever seen in my entire life.  Calculations were reevaluated and you were right on schedule.  I could tell Dr. Przybysz was in just as much awe as we were.  She didn't have to say it.  Her face and tears read it.

We left the appointment and headed straight to Chuck E Cheese to celebrate.

So, my Sweet Luna.  Here's what I want you to know.  Yes, you cry.  A Lot.  Yes, you demand my attention.  All The Time.  Yes, you test my limits.  Constantly.  But its during those times that I find myself reflecting on our journey.  When I am the most frustrated with you-I am quickly led to the start of it all and a calming peace quickly comes over me.

Each night, while nursing you its just you and me in your room.  I'm rocking you and you are laying across me eating.  The days have been long and trying.  But at this exact moment each and every night, I'm reminding of our journey together.  Of how miraculously you entered into our family.  Of how different our lives would be without you.  Of your perfect little head.  Perfect body.  Perfect smile.  Of your perfect fit in our family.  But above all-Of God and His amazing hand in protecting the two of us.

Somehow, I think it bonds us.  The days in the beginning, I truly think you and I will ever be the only two who get exactly what could've been.

I will forever be indebted to God for taking such amazing care of us.  And while I'm sure I will continue to get frustrated with you, you truly are our miracle.  Our baby.  Our pain in the ass.  Our Sweet girl.  Our little Luna.

Forever and ever Amen.

Castle Fun

We made it out to "the castle," also known as Bass Pro Shop Tuesday night for pictures with the Easter Bunny.  We got there around 5:30, for a visit that started at 6:00.  Jason and Phoenix walked around for a bit while Sissy and I waited in line.  The line moved quickly.

This year, we had NO TEARS from either child!!!! I'd call that a total success!!!!

After the Bunny visit, Jason took Phoenix upstairs to shoot the deer while Sissy and I did a little Easter Bunny shopping for Dada.  We then all met back up and enjoyed some ice cream!

It was such a fun family evening.  

Nights like these are the ones I'll remember forever.  Even the camera lady referring to Phoenix as a she the ENTIRE evening.

7 Months of Life-1 Month of Sanity

Luna,

We are all soo in love with the "new" you.  You are truly an added bonus to our family and we are honored to have you.

It took 7 months, but you finally figured life out.  You now usually cry only when you are hungry or tired.  Other times you are actually happy!!!! Woo-hoo!!!  You also suck your tongue when tired.  Its soo cute to watch.

You love playing peek-a-boo.  You hold your BB over your face with both hands and pull it away when I say peek-a-boo.  We do this repeatedly!  Its adorable to see you playing!  You also love it when I cover my eyes with your feet and say peek-a-boo as well!

You are finally sitting up great.  This has allowed us to use the grocery cart as a seat, instead of your pumpkin seat.  Grocery shopping suddenly became a whole lot easier.  We've also switched you in the tub to your seat, which you love splashing around in.  I also leave the pumpkin seat in the car now whenever we go to music or story time for Phoenix.  Oh, the joys of sitting!!!!  You are still great in the stroller too!

You started out as a great eater, but lately have become quite picking.  Today, you actually spit your food out in disgust.  I guess Joe needs to step up his game!!!!  You have started eating puffs and definitely enjoy them!  I love watching you try and chew them up!!!!  You still have just your 2 bottom center teeth as well :)

You are still rolling everywhere, with no interest in crawling.  Every time I try to position you in crawl, you immediately start crying.  ReRe's says its because you're lazy!

You still love your Brother like no other.  You guys are such great buds and your connection is truly an amazing thing to witness.

Whenever you are done eating or finished doing what we are doing, you snarl your nose up and huff and puff.  It is by far the cutest thing you do!  It always makes me laugh and I always try more just to see you do it!!!!

You've also become quite the Mama's girl.  I cannot be in the same room with you or you'll scream until I hold you.  You also cry whenever I try to walk away, even if its just a few feet.  I love that you love and need me soo much right now but, you are totally driving me crazy with it!  If I'm in another room and you hear my voice, you look everywhere trying to find me.

You are talking a ton! You are babbling and even making the B sound a lot.  We can't wait to hear what your first word is going to be!!!

Thank goodness you have given up your 3:00 wake up time.  You are now sleeping closer to 5:30, eating then going back to bed.  Mama can definitely handle this schedule a lot better :)!!!!

You are still in in size 3 diapers.  Clothes range from size 9-18mths.  You still have the fattest feet so I have the hardest time fitting you in shoes.  But you hate wearing them anyways!

Although I often tell you you're a pain in my ass, know that I truly love you with all my heart.  Our world would be soo different without you in it.  You keep us on our toes.  You give us something to talk about.  You bring a whole new chapter to our life.  You add a new dimension.  And we love you more than we can express.

You are our luna, sweet girl!!!!