Luna,
I have a few feelings I want to share with you. For you mainly, but I guess for whoever else reads this blog too. I've debated this post for a while now, but all signs from God keep pointing me to my computer. Especially when I saw Dr. Przybysz this morning at the St. Elias 5K. I know in the years to come, I'll be thankful I did this. I want you to know just how special you are to us.
I know I more-times-than-not call you my little pain in the ass, but truth be told......you are our Blessing. Here's why:
Back in December of 2012, I had a feeling I was pregnant with you. Not sure what it was, but something inside me told me so. I waited to take a test. Mainly because I was 100% done having babies. I truly felt our family was complete. Just me, Dada and Phoenix. I wasn't mentally or emotionally ready for what the results might have read.
We found out Dixie was sick the beginning of January 2013. This led me to wait longer to test. Dada decided on January 4, 2013 to put his #1 girl at the time to rest. It was by far one of the hardest decisions of his life. We had an appointment with the vet that afternoon. Something all day was whispering to me to take a test. So I finally caved. I went to the store, bought a test and came home. Upon discovering the results, I wrestled with how and when to tell Dada. I told him later that evening after we buried Dixie in the backyard.
God was showing us He's taking care of us. I truly felt it was his way of helping us, especially Dada, move on and see that such a beautiful life for us is existing.
I called and scheduled an appointment with my doctor. According to calculations (mine and the ultra sound techs), you would've been roughly 8 weeks along. Dada, Phoenix and I went to the the appointment filled with joy to see you for the very first time.
But the appointment quickly took a u turn. As the ultra sound progressed, the worry in the tech's face did too. My pregnancy test at the doctor was positive, she was seeing a sac, but that was all. You were no where to be found. Our hearts sank as the thought of you leaving us too soon started to become a reality. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle another miscarriage.
We were totally silent as we went from the ultra sound room to the room to wait for my doctor. Tears were shed. Lots of tears. I didn't understand God's timing anymore. I didn't understand my bodies inability to care for you. I didn't understand anything. I was overcome with guilt.
Dr. Przybyst finally came in. It seemed like hours. She had a very unsettling look on her face. She began talking. I began crying even harder. Trying to be as positive, supportive, comforting, and optimistic as possible she began to explain the situation. An ectopic pregnancy. Basically, my life was in danger. Yours was too. It was worse than we thought. She told me how careful I HAD to be in the upcoming days. Any uncomfortable feelings or signs of blood would land me in the hospital ASAP. Never had I been so heartbroken and worried at the same time. My actions could ultimately end both our lives. WOW.
We left the appointment. She wanted to see us again in a week. The ride home was miserable. Dada tried comforting me as best he could, but nothing was going to help this situation. Nothing.
I can honestly say that I've never prayed soo hard and soo long in my life as I did during that week. Nor has a week ever felt like an eternity, as did this one. Tears were sporadically shed throughout the days and sleep was now just a memory. I was afraid if I turned wrong while sleeping, our lives would end. I was literally scared to death. EVERY. SINGLE. MOVE. I. MADE.
Your father and I also discussed the situation. We decided regardless of the outcome, we were both totally done. Before you, your dad wasn't as convinced as I was that our family was complete. However, with the situation being as dangerous as it was, he decided it wasn't worth risking my life again. Whatever the outcome was-it was made for our family. We'd figure out how to deal with it and continue loving life with Phoenix.
Finally, appointment time came. I had mixed feelings on how things were going to turn out. I still had that tiny ounce of hope everything would be okay. That last weeks appointment was nothing more than the ultimate nightmare. But reality was quickly taking over. I was overcome with emotions.
Obviously, God had His hand covering us this entire journey because miraculously, everything looked great on the ultra sound. You were the tiniest, cutest, little dot I'd ever seen in my entire life. Calculations were reevaluated and you were right on schedule. I could tell Dr. Przybysz was in just as much awe as we were. She didn't have to say it. Her face and tears read it.
We left the appointment and headed straight to Chuck E Cheese to celebrate.
So, my Sweet Luna. Here's what I want you to know. Yes, you cry. A Lot. Yes, you demand my attention. All The Time. Yes, you test my limits. Constantly. But its during those times that I find myself reflecting on our journey. When I am the most frustrated with you-I am quickly led to the start of it all and a calming peace quickly comes over me.
Each night, while nursing you its just you and me in your room. I'm rocking you and you are laying across me eating. The days have been long and trying. But at this exact moment each and every night, I'm reminding of our journey together. Of how miraculously you entered into our family. Of how different our lives would be without you. Of your perfect little head. Perfect body. Perfect smile. Of your perfect fit in our family. But above all-Of God and His amazing hand in protecting the two of us.
Somehow, I think it bonds us. The days in the beginning, I truly think you and I will ever be the only two who get exactly what could've been.
I will forever be indebted to God for taking such amazing care of us. And while I'm sure I will continue to get frustrated with you, you truly are our miracle. Our baby. Our pain in the ass. Our Sweet girl. Our little Luna.
Forever and ever Amen.
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